I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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