The maid of honor just puked.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
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