You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
