How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
