textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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