We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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