Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
