Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
