just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You work out of a Hotel?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
