Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
