im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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