Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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