that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
