so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
