The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
