I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
