you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
