Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
