Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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