Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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