The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
