So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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