My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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