i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
