I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
