ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
