i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
