I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
