I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
