I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
