I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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