i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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