i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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