Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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