I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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