I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You are the jesus of drinking
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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