You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
