Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
