As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
