If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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