As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
