I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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