Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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