then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
