That's when you crack a 10am beer
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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