but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
