We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
