I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
