When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
