my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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