Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
