U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
