she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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