Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
