Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
