So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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