You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
