I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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