Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
